I have always been good at asking for what I want. Whether it be toppings on a burger, a better table at a restaurant, a raise, better service or even a proposal. I am pretty good at knowing what I want and being able to unapologetically ask.
In no way do I think I am entitled to the outcome, And I am not usually attached to what develops, but there is way in which I would prefer or like things to go and I strongly believe that you can’t get what you don’t ask for.
People, your boss, family friends and even your partner are NOT mind readers, and though I’d love them to be telepathic, they don’t always know that I would like more juice, or more money or even flowers. I don’t usually hand out an owner’s manual when people meet me so how are they possible able to know what I want and what works best for me? The truth is too often they don’t. Far too many times I have spoken with women who are unsatisfied in their life, careers or relationships.
As I speak with these women we look at what is really the ‘want or desire’ that is in the background that is not getting met. They want more money, they want to be acknowledged with flowers and chocolates by their partner, they want to be taken out for dinner by that cute guy across the hall.
They know what they want. Though the details may not be crystallized yet, each of them deep down know exactly what will make them happy.
Then I ask them the one question that usually leaves them startled and stammering.
You know that you want the raise or a date with the cute guy, or a bouquet of flowers. Right? They respond with a head nodding yes.
“Do you ask for it?” Usually they look confused, and start stammering something like well, “uhh, umm , No, but I’ve given hints and sort of alluded to it”.
When we sift through all the frenetic speaking I ask it once more, have you actually gone up to John, Sally or Tim and asked for what it is you want?
When we get right down to it, the answer is usually always a resounding NO!
As women, we usually learn quickly how to navigate through social spaces and dance in the social world of girlfriends, boyfriends, coworkers and family. And somewhere along the line we learn that being accommodating and nice really work well. And sacrificing or compromising is just a normal part of life. On some level, many women don’t even realize that there are ways in which they are pandering or compromising on certain things. Subtle things. Things no one notices, not even them.
Doing things for another person and going out of your way are beautiful qualities that are in some areas part of the innate generous nature of the feminine way. And I will applaud this behavior always, except when it is in opposition or odds with what YOU want.
Going to see your upset friend even if she is heartbroken, my not serve you or her if the reason you are going is because “you should” or “she feels bad” or ‘you’re all she’s got’. This martyr type thinking has you get a quick hit of the Mother Theresa feeling of “I’m good” but actually leads to resent down the road. Not because she made you feel guilty to come, but because you have dishonored what YOU had planned or wanted to do that day. Even if it was do laundry and take a long bath or read a book. You had plans with YOU, and you broke them.
As much I thought I had this mastered, it was only a few weeks ago that I really saw how I still pander and acquiesce to things and people in subtle ways.
I still get riddled with guilt or the world of ‘shoulds’ and every time I come back feeling drained, resentful or upset.
So this week, I’m putting my needs and wants first. The truth is I know that I am a good person and that my heart is generous, and the more I love me the more I am able to love someone else.
So in service of you loving the people in your life more, take a page out of the book I’m reading and take on saying ‘NO’ to the things that you know do not serve your highest self and ‘YES’ to the places that fill you up and make you feel whole.
This week I’m going to grab that dial and turn up the volume on ME.
If I really look, that “ME” station always plays the best songs and the world around me always dances to that beat!
I’d love to shake my booty to your vibes, who else is gonna join me in pumping up the volume?