Painful Gratitude

My chest is tight and I feel a wall is up around my heart. I hate this feeling.heartlight

I attribute all my success in relationships and in business to always sourcing ‘who I am’ from how I love. I don’t care if it was a sales call or a conversation with my mom, being vulnerable and coming from a place of love, even if I was angry, is (and has always been) the best ticket to being able to speak my truth and have it land for another in a way that they can see clearly and fully understand.

Like me, I’m sure many women have been hurt, or suffered through a broken heart and have become tentative, worried, or hesitant when speaking from or expressing that raw vulnerable place. It is completely valid that if you were hurt before, you would be hesitant to go out and do that same thing all over again.

Having said, that I am a strong believer that heartbreak, is part and parcel of loving fully. In fact, if I feel heart ache, then I know I am living from the right place.

I am crystal clear that if I don’t feel pain or heart break daily then I am not living big enough. Whether that pain comes from an argument with my fiancée or a failure in my career, or the pain I feel knowing that my cousin is ill. I’ve learned that every heartbreak is an accurate indicator as to whether or not I am playing the game of love fully.

I don’t believe that we ever stop loving the ones we once loved out loud, even if we loved them for the briefest of moments. I see my heart as an ever expanding vessel, not finite in its ability to give and receive love. As I look to see where it is constrained or closed off, I am also interested in tuning into where it is also engorged and full. To start listening to it to hear what it has to say.

Have you ever seen people work out in the gym? The way to build muscle is to actually tear it. So those guys doing bicep curls are actually ripping tiny tears into their muscle, because as it heals it grows back bigger and stronger. It’s as if the muscles scar tissue is what has it gain strength. You see the heart is a muscle too, and all the wounds and pains and tears in my heart are ways that it builds itself up stronger and expands its capacity.

As I sit hear typing I am checking in with my heart, looking to see if I can notice where I feel my heart is contracted. Where have I closed the door on my ability to give and receive love? Who have I shut out, and where is my heart tight and restricted?

Ahhh, there it is. I had a fight with my fiancé and it is still unresolved and angers me. I’m furious and disappointed. I am angry and sad. It feels as if there is a very heavy weight sitting on my chest.

There is nothing wrong with my feeling the tightness in my chest, it’s natural and common. Just like my muscles feel sore after being worked out, the soreness in my heart can last long after it has actually torn (in some cases the pain can last for years).

But feeling residual pain from heartbreak is, to me, a huge part of the game called love. And though it is a game that is painful, filled with hurt, and can bring me to my knees in an instant…it is the only game worth playing. And so as I type this I can say, I am heartbroken in this moment. I am smack dab in the middle of a fight with my future husband and my heart feels torn and ripped to shreds.

And it is because of that, that I feel relieved, because that is a very good indicator that my heart is still in the game and giving it her all.

The pain I feel right now, reminds me that I care. And for that, I am grateful.

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