This is a word that I knew conceptually, but not necessarily as an experience.
Having come from a childhood of being a bit of a tomboy, I grew up thinking that being feminine and ‘girly’ was just not cool. That in order to be strong I had to be tough, independent and capable.
Over the last decade I have learned just how inauthentic it has been for me to be overly masculine. In my past relationship I was with a man for 8 years where I predominantly played the ‘masculine role’. He was the one that provided a large degree of the compassion, patience and understanding, while I played the part of protector and leader.
As beautiful as that relationship was and as amazing as my ex is, I slowly started to see just how unfulfilled I was.
Eventually, it was what led me to leave that relationship. I ended up with a man shortly after that I chose mostly based on the fact of how overtly masculine he was. It was if I was craving having it out of me and in someone else. Over the last 5 years I have been consciously doing the work to surrender into my feminine and allow my man to take the lead. I am have been with my fiancé for close to three years now and next year we are getting married. He has been patient in my surrender and has been a conscious force in ensuring that I authentically explore my true femininity, in a way that is true for me.
Now, in no way am I saying I want the man to control, dominate or oppress me. I want to be independent and capable and know that my voice has a place, but I have not fully owned myself as a woman for a long time and there is a degree to me being a woman where I want to be able to lean back. I don’t always want to be in control and strong.
For me, there is an attractive quality in being with a man that I get to be a woman with.
(Similar to the bedroom, there are times I want to be in control, but there is an incredible desire and arousal from having him be in control and take the lead)
Though the last 3 years of organically unfolding in my feminine has been divine, it wasn’t until this past weekend that I saw just how much ‘letting go’ there is still left for me to do.
There is an exercise I did as a kid where you stand with people behind you and you are meant to fall back and the person behind you catches you. It is an exercise in trust and an exercise in letting go.
If I really look at the above example, I can clearly see that I have been unwilling to let go and metaphorically “fall back” into his arms. I keep looking for him to prove he is strong enough to take care of me, or make sure he is capable. The truth is I think I am too ‘heavy’ and too much. That with all my drama, baggage, emotion and fire, it is impossible for any man to be strong enough to hold me, contain me or ‘catch me’.
I have been the kind of woman that before I fall back wants to make sure he’s wearing the right shoes, or has gone to the gym or has sand bags packed against his feet so that he is supported enough to handle me if/when I fall. And though over the last 3 years I have been more willing to fall back then ever before in my life, the truth is I actually never have.
I thought being willing to lean back and fall into his arms was the same as actually doing it and the truth is it’s not even close.
So, this past weekend, I shared with him this revelation and told him that I am going to stop being ‘willing’ and actually fall into him. I don’t need to worry if he ‘is strong enough’, or if he “will catch me’, or if he ‘will remember this’, or ‘provide that’ or ‘accomplish whatever’. I know in my heart he will catch me. Strength has nothing to do with it, all that matters is the trust, and faith and belief that he will be there for me, and never let me fall.
The truth is all I want to do is surrender and lean back into him.
There is a deep strength that I can see now in being able to surrender and I am excited to see how our relationship unfolds and how I grow as a woman when I allow myself to draw power, strength and control from leaning back into his embrace.
So when I shared this with him, he asked if we could actually do the trust exercise. Tentative at first, I agreed.
I stood there in our living room as he stood 4 feet behind me. With all my new-found knowledge, I was still slightly scared and uncertain. I saw how much trust I was unwilling to give him, and that no matter how much we talk about it, all there was for me to do was let go. No thinking would make it happen, I had to actually stop my mind and let my body fall. So I did.
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and let go. I leaned back and felt myself falling. For that few seconds the feeling of falling was liberating and peaceful, I had no concerns for whether I would hit the ground or not. I was free. All I could feel was the weightlessness.
And then suddenly his arms were around me, and with my head only a foot from the ground he braced my body and caught me.
I looked up into his eyes to see him smiling.
Somehow, in that moment I was giddy with the experience of being free enough to fall and safe enough to be caught. There was newfound exhilaration in my heart. To both fly and be safe in the arms of my partner is more then I could ask for.
Starting now, no longer am I ‘willing to fall’, starting now I am going to actually let go, fall back and let him catch me.
Starting today I am ready to be really free and fall into the love of my man, my hero, my King.
I can’t wait.