Falling UP

Today I felt like a failure.

Maybe it’s the shitty cold weather we’ve been having over the last week, or the fact that I haven’t seen the sun in over 8 days. But today I hit the womanwbaloonswall.

I hate when I feel like my future is doomed, my life isn’t working or that my skills are insufficient. I hate feeling frustrated at my (perceived) lack of success or my inability to be where I know I should be (wherever that ‘place’ is).

I don’t want to have to keep trying, working harder or figuring things out.

I just want to be myself, live my life and die.

But then I remember that I want to leave this world better then I found it, and I remember that my passion is for people to live their purpose. I remember my love of conversations that make a difference and the commitment I have for all women to see themselves as being as bright as the sun. I start remembering why I slog away at a career that I love and why I get up every morning to do what I know has to get done.

I suddenly remember my dreams, my goals and my passion. I suddenly remember my heart and what it is I love, and why it is I love it.

Somehow I thought that once you found your purpose, the gates of heaven opened up and life was suddenly easy. If I was doing something I love, it shouldn’t feel like work right? It’s not supposed to be hard.

But the truth is that when you find something you love, or even someone you love, that is when the real work starts. Because that is when it counts. That is when it is most important. The fact that I care so much and get frustrated is because it is close to my heart.

Just today I had a huge fight with my brother-in-law who used to be one of my best friends prior to meeting my fiancé. We’ve grown distant over the last 6 months and I was upset that our friendship seemed to be taking a backseat. I have kept it inside for months and today on the phone with him my anger, rage, sorrow and heartbreak came pouring out like a runaway train.

If any obscure stranger, or even an acquaintance started to call me less, or visit me less, the truth is I wouldn’t give a crap.

It is only because my relationship with him was/is so important that I had so much conflicted emotions, upset and frustration.

It was because I cared that it was so upsetting and tormenting.

Relationships? Career? Following my dreams? All of those are things that I source my life from and anything that is off with any of them gets under my skin.

So today in regards to me living my dreams and my purpose I felt disenchanted, alone and useless.

I know deep down those things are not true, I know that what I am feeling will pass, and soon I will be feeling blessed, excited and empowered again. But today is not that day. Unfortunately, this blog is not going to end with some pivotal shift or epiphany that has me feel any different.

Right now all there is to do is sit with my feeling of being ‘not enough’.
Right now all there is, is to invite my fears, concerns and heartache in for a cup of tea and allow them to stay for a while.

Whether it’s my feelings of inadequacy for my current career or my heartache with my brother in law, all I can do right now is lean back in my chair and savor the hurt, worry, anger and doubt.

There is no need to rush and resolve them, and as I write this right now, I can see that neither feels truly resolved, but that, for me, is okay. Because that is how I know they matter, and that is how I remind myself that I care.

I’d be more worried if I was unaffected by these two areas of my life, and so today, even with all my pain and feelings of being insufficient, I can still manage a grin at knowing that I’m playing the right game.

So today instead of falling in love or even falling down, I think I’ll call it “falling UP”. It still feels like I’m heading South but I know that in the background, deep under the surface, it is having me get closer to my dreams, goals and commitments. And so this temporary stumbling is still propelling me foreword, in fact it’s possibly getting me higher and closer then if I did it the easy way.

The truth is, if I feel heartbreak, I know for sure that I am playing the game of living from my heart.

And that is always a game worth playing, no matter what.

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