It is Christmas Eve, and I have just finished eating the most amazing seafood dinner with my future in-laws. I have had a few glasses of great wine and am sitting in front of the fire allowing the Christmas Eve bliss to fill me. This may seem like a picture perfect evening and it seems as if I should be feeling happy and alive, but the truth is that I am sitting here with only half a heart.
The truth is I have spent the last few days in fight after fight with my fiancée and yesterday we argued for almost 12 hours non-stop. I do not feel the warm loving heart space I am used to having with him, and given that tomorrow will be Christmas day, it is just not the way I was hoping or had planned tomorrow to go.
Having said that this is not a write up to mope or complain, in fact as I sit here writing this I can feel my power and grace still alive and real deep inside of me.
I know that this anger and upset will pass, and I know that I do not have to have my holiday be impacted or altered by this. I source a lot of my sense of self from my relationship, and normally this would have me feeling empty and broken. But, this time feels different. In fact, I realized today that I can still have sadness and disappointment in my heart without it making my heart dimmed or diluted. I can still laugh and chat with my in-laws and even slow dance with him to old carols. Even though our relationship is strained right now, I do have a choice regarding whether or not it drags me down or dulls my light.
Given that it is the holidays, I am unwilling to have my brilliance as woman dimmed by the circumstances around me. This is a night of bright glowing fires, twinkling lights, flickering candles and sparkles all around. I intend to partner withal of the brightness around me, and make this holiday season as shiny as possible.
I know life won’t always be great, and that I’ll be thrown a curve ball now and then. Sometimes it will be disguised as a fight with my sister, other times it will be a failure or strain in my career, and sometimes it dresses up as heartbreak with the man I love.
Whatever the disguise is, I know that it will come up from time to time, and if I am going to name myself as the Creatrix of my own life then I get to say what and how I handle it. This holiday season I can still love myself and love everyone around me, despite feeling wounded, alone or hurt.
Pain is inevitable, how I handle it? Well that is entirely up to me. This holiday season I plan to celebrate the entire spectrum of my heart, the pain, the joy and the rainbow of glitter in between.