I Am The Creatrix of My Life

It is Christmas Eve, and I have just finished eating the most amazing seafood dinner with my future in-laws. I have had a few glasses of great wine and am sitting in front of the fire allowing the Christmas Eve bliss to fill me. This may seem like a picture perfect evening and it seems as if I should be feeling happy and alive, but the truth is that I am sitting here with only half a heart.

The truth is I have spent the last few days in fight after fight with my fiancée and yesterday we argued for almost 12 hours non-stop. I do not feel the warm loving heart space I am used to having with him, and given that tomorrow will be Christmas day, it is just not the way I was hoping or fractal-dance-of-joyhad planned tomorrow to go.

Having said that this is not a write up to mope or complain, in fact as I sit here writing this I can feel my power and grace still alive and real deep inside of me.

I know that this anger and upset will pass, and I know that I do not have to have my holiday be impacted or altered by this. I source a lot of my sense of self from my relationship, and normally this would have me feeling empty and broken. But, this time feels different. In fact, I realized today that I can still have sadness and disappointment in my heart without it making my heart dimmed or diluted. I can still laugh and chat with my in-laws and even slow dance with him to old carols. Even though our relationship is strained right now, I do have a choice regarding whether or not it drags me down or dulls my light.

Given that it is the holidays, I am unwilling to have my brilliance as woman dimmed by the circumstances around me. This is a night of bright glowing fires, twinkling lights, flickering candles and sparkles all around. I intend to partner withal of the brightness around me, and make this holiday season as shiny as possible.

I know life won’t always be great, and that I’ll be thrown a curve ball now and then. Sometimes it will be disguised as a fight with my sister, other times it will be a failure or strain in my career, and sometimes it dresses up as heartbreak with the man I love.

Whatever the disguise is, I know that it will come up from time to time, and if I am going to name myself as the Creatrix of my own life then I get to say what and how I handle it. This holiday season I can still love myself and love everyone around me, despite feeling wounded, alone or hurt.

Pain is inevitable, how I handle it? Well that is entirely up to me. This holiday season I plan to celebrate the entire spectrum of my heart, the pain, the joy and the rainbow of glitter in between.

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7 Response Comments

  • Kayleen  August 10, 2016 at 9:23 am

    I never thought I would find such an everyday topic so enghrallint!

    Reply
  • http://crawlerweb.us/generation.fr  November 3, 2016 at 1:15 am

    Wow girl you're quick! hehe… I'm thinking of you as well =) I wanted to send you *one* last email before we go, I forgot about your question from last week too :/ Talk to you soon! Love you! =) ~Jess

    Reply
  • tarifrechner kfz versicherung lkw  November 3, 2016 at 10:54 am

    "Star should be on the Left." – please, how I put bookmark star back on left position next to the refresh button? is it possible? drag function isnt working too… Thank you very much :)

    Reply
  • kfz versicherung auto kaufen  November 3, 2016 at 11:35 am

    Good luck with the Novel. I wrote a PhD thesis once and always had this dream that a Novel would be easier and more fun than that but now I am not so sure! Maybe one day!

    Reply
  • http://www./  November 15, 2016 at 2:00 am

    I love this new web page. Negative addiction YES WEL!!!! So true and I am finding you can try everything I have but when you be oh so peaceful and empowering. Love it Les I will pass it on with love actually that is my new name for my web page I think. PASS IT ON WITH LOVE It will be a web page that passes on love and light and all things wonderful like heartland. I will be contacting your friend to help me set it up when time is right. Love and laughter Kerry.

    Reply
  • zinsen anleihen kredite zusammenfassung  February 11, 2017 at 3:47 pm

    The Zune concentrates on being a Portable Media Player. Not a web browser. Not a game machine. Maybe in the future it’ll do even better in those areas, but for now it’s a fantastic way to organize and listen to your music and videos, and is without peer in that regard. The iPod’s strengths are its web browsing and apps. If those sound more compelling, perhaps it is your best choice.VA:F [1.9.17_1161]please wait…

    Reply
  • schulden tilgen mit kredit  February 12, 2017 at 5:51 pm

    Four things:1. Competition. Let schools compete.2. Take Dept. of Ed money and give it to parents who need it to send their kid to a better school.3. Shorten school career from 12 to 11 years.4. Direct smart bookish kids to college and smart or not so smart unbookish kids to trade school.

    Reply

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