It is what fairytales talk about and what many of us fantasize and dream about since we were little girls. Your wedding is supposed to be the happiest day of your life right?
The truth is I almost didn’t get married.
It’s true. I don’t say that to be sensational or even stretch the truth.
I was married on August 9th and it was the most amazing and painful experience I have ever had.
Most people didn’t know that three weeks before the wedding I sat there across from Scott on the couch and told him I didn’t think I could marry him, and though it must have been painful, Scott made me promise him one thing. He said “Sacha promise me this, if you aren’t 110% certain that you want to marry me, please do not walk down that aisle”. I gave him my word that I would honor his request.
It was excruciatingly painful; I have never wept and raged that much in my life.
I could not trust my thoughts and head as it proved to be too linear and logical and kept telling me all the reasons why I should NOT marry him. I could not trust my heart, as I would be overwhelmed with attachment and guilt and feelings of nostalgia. So I went to my body and started paying attention to the ancient wisdom and intellect that lives deep inside of me.
From anger and upset with my fiancée to family battles that could’ve torn us apart so many things came into play when we got closer to getting married. Despite close to three weeks of conversation with friends, openhearted talks with my fiancé and deep personal intuitive work I still was not certain of my choice.
Most people want to talk about colors, venues and dresses and though they were all present on my big day I was desperately looking for someone who I could speak about the darkness within.
No matter where I looked there was no one who could help me make sense of what was going on inside. Everywhere I looked from books, to experts and scouring the Internet people mostly talked about having ‘cold feet’ as if it is a minor annoyance every couple goes through where you hesitate before the big leap.
For me what was going on was much more then cold feet, it felt like I was getting ready to die. The truth is the more I spoke about what a happened for me in the month leading up to the wedding the women seemed to come out of the woodworks and share with me there biggest concerns and how they themselves either felt similarly before their big day or how they actually never made it to the altar.
There is actually is apart of me that had to die in order to get married. The single part of me, the solitary part of me, the separate part of me, all had to die in order to step into this new role and realm. Now in no way am I saying you have to change who you are to become a wife, but just like the toddler dies into the teen and the teen dies into the young adult. There were a definite and distinct number of parts that had to cease to exist in order to make room for the new blossoming self to emerge.
We live in a culture and a society that does not prepare properly for what is really going on underneath the surface when we move from being solo maidens to connected queens.
But more often then not it is much more then that and from my own work in personal development to the study of psychology, system dynamics, group mentality and modern day rites of passage I was able to battle and understand what was really going on inside me.